Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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