dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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