It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize