I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
