shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize