you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
