i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
