whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
