I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
