Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
