Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
