Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
