I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
