You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
