she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
