i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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