And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
