I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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