A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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