the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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