he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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