We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
