Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Found your dick twin last night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
