My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
