please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize