I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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