There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
