In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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