Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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