New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
