i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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