I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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