chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
