I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
