Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
