Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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