Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
