You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
