I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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