Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
