You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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