Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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