Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
