my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
