you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
