Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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