he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
