i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
