Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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