Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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