where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
