just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
