I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
