He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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