Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
