so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
