Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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