I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
