walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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