I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
