My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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