She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
