At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
