Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
