I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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