Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
