thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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